Monday, May 23, 2011

Are YOU An Obnoxious Movie-Goer?

Jordan and I went to see Bridesmaids the other night and, yet again, I found myself surrounded by one of my biggest pet-peeves: Obnoxious movie goers. You know who they are.... they don't even have to sit in your close vicinity to distract you, frustrate you, and cause you to "slow turn"... they haunt your drive to the theater and your wait until the movie starts- will they sit right behind me? Maybe it'll be a slow night and no one will come... Will I have a seat-kicker or a repeater? Who knows what horrors await you at the movie theater.

What are the common offenders? Let me enlighten the masses...

The Seat Kicker- pretty self-explanatory. This one is found in all shapes, sizes, ages and genders. You slow turn- nothing, you slow turn with a lingering look at the offender- nothing. When the movie ends you fight the urge to rip into them (or their parents) but chicken out.

The Repeater- repeaters want to make sure no one around them missed that hilarious line. And then every other thats even mildly funny.

The Diseased- these people seem to have brought the plague as their date. They cough disgusting wet coughs, sneeze or blow their nose constantly and make you wish you brought your surgical mask.

The Cheap Parent- they know it's cheaper to buy a child's admission ticket than pay for a babysitter, so they bring their young children into mature movies where they cry, need constant potty breaks, get confused.... which leads me to....

The Confused Child- found in not only children's movies, but also mature films, these kids just don't know what's going on, breaking your concentration to ask mom and dad, "Where is he going?" "Why did they do that?" "What is that?" They don't realize that if they sit tight, it will all be revealed.

The Too-Cool Teen Group- always found in packs, they seem to be being bred like rabbits. They go in and out of movies non-stop because they really aren't there to see the movie they're in. They laugh and chit chat in unconcerned, unhushed voices because "its such a stupid movie," (it must be or they wouldn't be cool). Their phones are always out and blinding you with their undimmed screens. And they couldn't care less if everyone else is trying to watch the film. But don't try to shush them, ask them to be quiet, to sit down or put their phone away- you'll only make them more obnoxious.

The Parentless- These kids/preteens are dropped at the mall/movie theater to run a muck of the place while their parents are off on a date or just getting away from their annoying children, they use the general public at these places as their babysitters. So their kids run in and out of different movies and ultimately end up encompassing multiple Obnoxious Movie-Goer traits.

The Food Thrower- now these are somewhat rare, and fairly new to the obnoxious club, but I, myself, have had 2 experiences this year. They take their popcorn and those $5 candies and instead of eating them slowly to make sure the comically dismal helping you get in those boxes makes it through at least the first half of the film, they throw it. Not just at some kids from their school sitting a few rows below, no, everyone is a target. 

The Micro-Bladder- you've never seen anyone with such a small bladder capacity! They take 2 sips of their soda and off they go pushing, shoving past you, practically sitting in your lap to get out and make it to the restrooms. This happens about every 20 minutes.

The Commentator- what they have to say just cant wait... "He's so cute" "What a stupid girl" "Oh I bet this is gonna happen..." But here's the difference between normal, courteous people and obnoxious clubbers- we make these comments sparingly- maybe 2-3 times during the movie and we whisper during a loud part. Commentators think we all all need to hear their clever or obvious or unimportant comment- they don't know what whispering is or they don't care.

The Book Fan Club Member- only recently have I come across this- thanks to The Twilight Saga... now I read the books, I loved them, and I wish the movies could have been exactly how I pictured them as I read, but I also know not to expect that when I see a movie based on a book. I know things will be changed and I am prepared to accept that without complaint. These club members can't accept the changes made and make sure the people around them know it by saying "that's not how it happened in the book," or what should be happening at this part... "Why isn't Bella shouting his name as she runs through the fountain? She's supposed to be shouting his name!!!!!!!!" 

The Professor- this guy knows everything there is to know about the movie you're seeing, the book it was based on, the stories behind making the film, and the actors' love lives. And they bring someone to see the film with them that knows nothing so they can impress everyone around them with their vast, unending knowledge and skills of explaining everything.

The Texter- what's that blinding light drawing your attention from the movie every 5 minutes? Oh, just The Texter's phone... but don't worry I'm sure their conversation is really important and just cannot wait. I'm not talking about one or two quick phone appearances- they happen. No, The Texter doesn't relent in their quest for most-texts-received-in-2-hours award. 

The Seat Saver- I understand saving 4 seats for your family while they get snacks, or 2 seats for the couple you're meeting, but saving an entire row with just ONE person?? No. And of course the 10 people they're saved for don't arrive until the previews have ended and the movie is starting. They stomp on your feet, knock your seat from behind, block your view and chat with each other as they straddle your lap on their way to their seats.

The Hater- Cool Joe here thinks the movie you're seeing is STUPID!! It's so predictable.. ohhh that's SO fake. Yeah right!! That would never happen! They can't believe they're seeing such a stupid movie. Nevermind everyone around them trying to enjoy the movie-they're stupid for liking it!!!

If you're reading this and at some point you go, "Oh crap, that's me!" Please correct your behavior, or go to matinees.

I hope this has been educational, and I hope that someday we can go to the theater and not just have an obnoxious-incident-free experience, but not even have to worry about the possibility.